Paul Blart 3: Shrek 5
by paulblartfan420
Summary: essentially this is a fanfiction crossover of a gritty version Paul Blart: Mall Cop and the Shrek series. As its my first fanfic, I am not entirely sure if I'm doing it correctly, apologies if I've goofed. Essentially this is a reimagining of Paul Blart's life after the second film that is much grittier, and revolving around keeping his son through an impending divorce.
1. Chapter 1: Closer to the Blart

paul blart 3: Shrek 6

CHAPTER 1:

our story begins on a dark autumn night. "oh boy" says paul blart to himself as he drived his segway in to the mall that he ended up workin at after the 2nd movie ends. it was a dingy mall in the intercity, lots of thugs with no respsect for REAL police let alone the MALL policy…. so anyway he eventually get to the mall, and park. There was teens smoking cigaretts outside, and blart didn't even car, and kept on walkin while shaking his head and says "aint even wortth it… sometimes I wander how my lives become like this" you see after the second movie he got in a horrible car accident so he was not a badass anymore, an him an his wife end up having "problems in the bedrooms' after, and he gained even more weight than he already had but his wife got way too hot for him and had a baby who is now 5 years old. basincally his life fucking SUCKS. he goes to his office quitely. as he clock his timecard his supervisor smirks "hey blart u fucking PUSSY, this fuckin mall needs a makeover. A gang leader named Big K is in the hot topic, but I am not gonna confront him so im gonna send you in there to get your ass beat by him hahaha". said the boss to paul blart

"just another day in the office, right" paul blart says smugly "guess its time to get my ass kicked by a gang leader again I really wqish the state that I am in had a stand your ground law so I could george zimmerman this fucking criminal" and off he goes to hot topic. the smell of weed was pervasive an smoke was coming out of hot topic and a gang leutenant had spray paint "BIG K TURF" on the door. paul blart heart picks up pace as he runs in. "alright yuou motherfuckers drop ur weapons cause im escorting big k out of here and banning him from the mall for a while" only he doesn't even see a gang leader. he just sees kevin hart with a bottle of cognac and a pistol. Paul blart turns red in the face "hey man, I'm sorry I thought you were a gang lord named big k, can I get an autograph?" kevin hart smiles and is like "yea no probably" and punches him in the fucking forehead with brass knuckles that say big k and leave an imprint on his face. He then unloads a furious beating and paul blart is helpeless to stop him. as he is beating him a Polaroid photograph falls out of keving harts pocket. it sends paul blarts heart to the floor

"what in the fucks going on here kevin heart where did you get that photo" says paul. The photo turned out to be one of paul blarts wife naked being penetrated by kevin hart where like he turned his head and is giving a thumbs up and smiling in the foreground in a selfie while he is cuckolding paul blart. "what u mean BITCH, that's me an MY GIRL. She is the bombast piece of pussy ive ever dipped my big old hog into for a swim an I love her, we have unprotected sex every night and im buyin our son some shrek merchandise because its his birthday tomorrow an shrek is his favorite movie" suddently it all becomes clear. his son was turned out to not be his and WAS actually black (paul blart suspected this) after after all but luckily blarts name was on the birth certificate so it was okay and he'd get to keep his black son. paul blart boiled with rage, but quickly simmered down and kept his cool. also he had hpv an his wife claimed it was form a toilet seat at sears. he couldnt reveal that this ganglord and movie actor was cuckolding him... he had to play his cards right to keep things right with his son so he just staggers away bloodily and in pain!

you see paul blart checks msn movies and fandango on a semi regular basis and already bought three tickets to see Shrek 5 in theatres the day after his birthday. opening night was tomorrow and on his sons birthday. on top of this he had managed to confuscate a large box of shrek 2 themed party favors for his sons birthday party and a blu-ray of shrek 4 and he put the tickets in his birthday in a birthday card... after work while his son was asleep he set all that stuff up to surprise him. but he also picked up an N.W.A. cd on his way home because as he just found out his son was african american and he wanted him to embrace his heritage. as paul blart comes home and lifelessly looks into his wifes eyes and see the wreck that their marriage has become, the knowledge that his son is gonna have the best birthday ever is pretty much like all thats keeping him going. his wifes like "paul, i never seen you look at me like that watsup" paul blart sighs. "yeah well heres lookin at you kid" he responds and he rolls over away from her and lets out a giant fart and a laugh. "jesus fucking christ paul blart you are such a disgusting man." and paul turns around and says goodnight and blows her a kiss. for the first time since the second movie, paul blart is driven and ready to fuck shit up and have a good time at his sons birthday party.

paul blart was oin the kitchen with all the shrek 2 party favors and all the neighbor kids were there to surprise him. all the pizzas had onions on them and shit. as his son crawls out of bed and heads to the kitchen everybodys like SURPRISE! and paul blart is the happiest he ever was since the second movie. but suddenly his son squints his eyes and is like, what in the fuck is shit. paul blart is taken aback and hes starts shaking his head no really hard like "what have i done, what did i do wrong" and his sons like "dad do you even fucking know me? my favorite shrek movie is Shrek the third an all you got was shrek 2 shit? was it b/c your poor as all fuck and not even a REAL cop? cause as far as im concerned after this shit i dont even know if i can call u a REAL DAD! You don't even know what my favorite shrek movie is for fucks sakes." and his kid walks in closer boiling with rage and peers at the birthday cake. a driplet of sweat is going down paul blarts forehead an his eyes well up with tears... he spent 75$ for a shrek 2 themed birthday cake and his son was looking at it in pure rage. the worse part was, it wasnt even the 75$ he spent on it, but the fact that maybe he HADNT been a good dad b/c he honestly had no idea what his sons favorite shrek movie was. this whole thing happened in like 30 seconds but deep within the folds of paul blarts brain this incident was like probably four days of hell, a hell that crept into his life shortly after the 2nd movie to now. the emotional pain of this was alot for paul, but the physical pain was on its way. his son spits right on the cake, and turns to his dad. "where the fuck our the gifts at u better have got me something good to make up for this shit" paul blart stammers and for a second he sees flashes of the rage he saw in kevin heart at the mall the day before in his own son. "T-T-T-There over on the counter" he answers. "heh, not bad old man. but you earned this fair and square." and his son like starts beating the shit out of him. HARD. and all his friends and even his wife join in. then his son opens the gifts. he is pretty pumped to have the merchandise and stuff that paul blart got but he was still angry as fuck. finally he opens up the card, and is like "their better be money in here u fuckin cheapskate" but when he opens the card and the tickets fall out he is blown the fuck away. "wait what in the FUCK is this? a new shrek movie is coming out on my birthday and im going to get to see it at 7pm tonght? this is fucking sweet. im sorry for kicking your ass and spitting on the cake and having my friends humiliate you and for saying you were a bad dad paul blart, you are a kickass dad lets go fucking see this movie im fuckin jacked." and right after paul blart smiles and says "fuck yeah, in your fucking face you rotten whore" to his wife and gives her the bird and rips her ticket up and throws them in the toilet and flushes them down, never to buy his wife anything ever again. his wife screams and tries to dig the little pieces of the ticket from the toilet but she only gets like one piece and its not in tact enough for her to get in so shes basically fucked and cant go see shrek 5. "you know what paul bnlart, were getting a divorce." at this point paul blart already has his son on his shoulders and is on the segway. "no problem babe, heres one more for the road, ill see you in court" and he blasts a fart straight into her face and it smells horrible from all the onions and pizza and also he's lactose and tolerant now so he has horrible gas when he eats cheese pizza and that was his plan, his son high fives him nods approvinhly. "hahaha fuck you, mom, my dad fucking rules and you fucking drool. im gonna live with him after the divorce" with a single tear in her eye she is like "yeah... your think YOUR dad is so great? well I got news for you" paul blart freaks out for a second cause hes like not ready to have that talk with his son, so he peels outta there to that smash mouth song thats chorus is like u might as well be walkin on the sun before she can reveal his sons true father, award winning comedian and actor and druglord czar kevin hart. when paul blart is zooming down the highway with his son on his shoulder on his segway he realise he doesnt have a car in the world. he lost his wife, he lost everything, but he remembered to get shrek 5 tickets to surprise his son on his birthday so he still got his son back. "SHREK 5 SHREK 5 SHREK 5!" hE and his son chanted as he weaved between trucks and cars on the highway all the way to the theater. everything seemed to good to be true... unfortunately for are hero paul blart, it was...


	2. Chapter 2: Red Alert in Theater Three

Paul Blart 3: Shrek 5

Chapter 2: red alert in theater 3

we find ourselves in hollywood hills where the local police had the house surrounded for roughly an hour and 12 minutes and tension was so hot you couldnt cut it with a plastic fork becuase itd melt first. FBI BAU team detective and proud stoner Spencer Reid pull up to the crime scene, take a quick tug of dank from a glass weed pipe, and get the intel from the chief. "so what the fuck is goin on here and why are you wasting my time with your local police bullshit, I need the facts or someones getting fuckin knocked out big time." the local detectives are intimidated and shaken. finally one brave man steps forward "well dr. reid, we are in front of the household of michael myers, voice actor of shrek in shrek, shrek 2, shrek the third, shrek forever after (thats the foruth on) and the short films. it would appear that he is being held hostage by eddie murphy who voices the donkey character in shrek, shrek 2, shrek the third, shrek forever after (the 4th one) an all the specials over some kind of dispute over shrek 5s ending that eddie wasnt aware of. we need a profile of eddie murphy and michael myers right now." Spencer Reid looks at the way the car is parked, and using his intelligence figures something out. He starts motioning the officers in closer, and hes like "Okay, I'm ready to deliver the profile, an its worse than i fucking thought. shrek 5 was going to be the biggest blockbuster of the year, an we already had a few critics rate it poorly, and 3 commited suicide. whatever went down with shrek 5 was a fucking set up, and according to my profile on eddie murphy that i developed, he wouldn't be holding michael myers hostage unless it was justified. call all ur local police dept, and tell them to brace themselves for the premiere at 7pm of shrek 5 across the country. this could easily be the biggest riot this sountry has ever saw, were gonna need all the top brass, the national guared and even mall cops on duty for when this movie premiers. their is a 7pm showing. as for eddie murphy and michael myers, i guess well i will take it from here. i really hope they dont accidentaly kill eachother tho because id love to eventually see a shrek 6 movie get made and they are both key voice actors. i am gonna go in there and use my negotiation skills to figure out what happened. see you guys later go protect the town from the riots." as the vice cops all drive out an FBI BAU team detective spencer reid pulls out a joint that is pretty fat and ponders while looking at it. "AUUUUUUUUUGHHGHGHH! FUCKING HELP ME THIS GUYS GONNA KILL ME!" rings out from the house. Spencer Reid is like holy shit this is bad. im gonna need alot more 420 if im gonna get those two to stop fighting.

Spencer Reid calls up Kavin hart on his mobile phone. "whats up big k can a playboy get some of that strong kush delivered to michael myers house asap" he asked desperatly. "hahahaha. sure thing dr. reid ur my favorite customer an i just so happen to be right next door cause im michael myers neighbor" reids like hmm that is strange but doesnt think too hard on it. within 2 minutes spencer has around 2 pounds of weed and is ready to make his move. he kicks in the door, where eddie murphy is standing there with a gun to mike myers head. "okay eddie murphy do not shoot that man." eddie murphys eyes get big, and he laughs..."i would never hurt a single living thing dr. reid and you know it. my biggest surprise is that you even thought this was a hostage situation." michael myers at this point is trying to escape but can't he wimpers "please dont fucking do this eddie, please. it wasn't my fault." Reid was finally fed the fuck up. "SOMEBODY tell me what the FUCK is going on right now!" eddie murphy grinned and moved his revolver from mike myers head to his own. spencer reid is completely shocked in a bid of hope he throws eddie murphy the weed and he lights it up like a pro, he also throws mike myers some to but michael cant figure out how to light it up for some reason than eventuially lights it the wrong way. eddie murphy then prepares to speak

"I appreciate all ur effort dr. spencer reid, but at this point its too fucking late. at first i didnt know what was going on. shrek 5 was gonna put me and mike myers back on the map. then one day it fucking happened. mike lost interest and faith in the franchise and backed down to the executive producer over the plot, walking me into a fucking hornets nest. my career, as well as mikes is god as garbage now." Spencer was like "dude u need to calm the fuck down. im with the fbi an i can fix this for real" and eddie screams back "NO YOU FUCKING CANT MAN. Shrek is DEAD and so is DONKEY, i dont know who it is thats doing it but somebody wanted shrek franchise 6 feet under and they pulled it off" Spencer was like holy shit this is worse than i thought. there was about to be 50 to a 100 million people leaving those theatres with hell to pay when they find this out. his focus shifted to michael tho. "So you think this is a fucking game michael? where do u fit into all this? actually, lets face the facts... we already know where you fit into this." before mike can say like a word Spencer pulls out his 44 magnum and shoots Mike in the head like 10 fucking times. Only problem is, blood doesn't come out of mikes head, wiring, bolts, nails and computer chips do because he was a robot.

"you got any idea what they did with the real mike myers?" spencer asks eddie. "unfortunately not, happened about six months ago, mike disappeared and when he reappeared i knew he had been replaced with a powerful robot. i couldnt trust any vice cops and thats why i held him hostage to get u to show up and help me out." Spencer nods in appreciation and eddie passes him the joint. spencer takes a drag an is like "way i see it, its 6:45 and that movie premiers at 7pm. we have about one hour before this house gets raided by angry shrek fans. were gonna bag up the robot so they dont know where onto them, i'm gonna send some fellow agents to get your family out of the country. you and me are gonna disguises and go undecover until we figure out whos behind this... this may be the biggest terror attack this country has ever seen." eddie murphy nodded and they quickly started gathering up the robotoic pieces to hide in the trunk. spencer reid continues "right now ur safety is number one, u probably have all the clues we need to solve this case. without u this country is fucked." eddie sighed and rolled his eyes. "i think its to late spence. in another 25 minutes this hole country is gonna be after me, and even then we dont know were mike is being held captive. how are we gonna stay hidden long enough to solve the case?" spencer laughed. "eddie i dont think you realise my skillset, this is just another day on the front lines of justice. an to answer your question, were going to be hiding alright... hiding in PLAIN SIGHT" and spencer flipped on his right blinker and ramped over the median of the highway landing right in front of a movie intercity movie theatre that is in the same mall as the one paul blart works at. he tosses him a wig. "smoke up and lets go, were gonna get 2 tickets to the center of the abiss.

paul blart and his son just pulled into the theatre on the segway. as usual his mall cop instincts kicked in. every violation and questionable behavior was illuminated to him. teens smoking cigaretts and drinking beers. a squabble between mallrats was at six o clock. he was about to serve justice, but then he remembered. 'forget about it, they dont pay me enough when im on the clock i sure as shit aint gettin paid enough when im off the clock' and he walked him an his son into the mall. just as paul blarts instincts were begining to kick off and dissipate something caught his eye. when ur a mall cop for as long as paul blart you know how to spot government agents, especially when there world famous like dr. spencer reid. he was with a beautiful women, but after noticing eddie murphys signature moustache he realised that he might be walking into something BIG. They were obviously strapped up to the teeth. automatic weapons, possible grenades, and bulletproof vests. for a moment he thought about turning around and coming back for the 9pm showing, but when he looked at his son in the eyes he knew it would kill him, not to mention the disguises were so good that any non law enforcement person wouldnt be able to ID them. so he figured hed take a chance and walked right in. this decision would change the world as we knew it.

it was around then a large police force came bursting in to the theater guns blazin, "HEY WE NEED TO SPEAK TO MALL COP FOR COORDINATION, I EITHER NEED TO TALK TO PAUL BLART OR PAUL BLARTS SUPERVISOR AMMEDIATELY. THIS IS NOT A TEST." paul blart rolls his eyes. "easy there tubbs. im off duty you fuckin asshole. supervisors probably rubbin one off in the bathroom or jackin off in the office. go talk to him. im with my SON" the cop was definitly pissed off. he tilted his head to the side, spit right on the floor, and stared blart right in the fucking eyes. "whatever happened to the paul blart i knew from before...the paul blart from paul blart mall cop 1 & 2? ya know the man im lookin at sure as shit aint him. the real paul blart stood for somethin... stood for justice." paul blart burst out with crazy eyes with a very stern look, "listen here detective donut-head, i just wanna see shrek 5 with my GODDAMN son, justice died along with my marriage a half hour ago. back the fuck off!" the cop shook his head and made a mean smirk, "whatever you say blart. have a good time at shrek five motherfucker..." blart and his son walked in to theatre 3 for the world premiere of shrek 5 to change the course of history forever...


	3. Chapter 3: Shrek 5 by Christofer Nolan

Paul Blart 3: Shrek 5

Chapter 3: Shrek 5 by Christofer Nolan

so at this point you already know that shrek 5 is a set up. well in this chapter u get to see exactly how bad it truthfully is. paul blart adn his son walk up into the theatre an its packed like sardines with all kind of celebrity, people of all creedence an colors and shrek fans are there just basically getting jacked up on shrek juice, a promotional drink that like the theaters are selling as a cross promotional. its basically this energy drink by the same company that makes those 99 cent energy beverages called rip its, an its pretty good. "hell yeah man, this shrek juice is a perfect rememedy to my cotton mouth" eddie murphy says, he is one seat away from paul blart. paul blart is not exactly 420 friendly but eddie murphy is a celebrity so he doesnt really care. "whatever works dude, lets just shrek it out" paul blart says and he winks at eddie murphy. eddie squints at paul blart and deductes that paul blart is the mall cop from the first two movies. "thank fuckin god dude, I am sittin next to paul blart and fbi bau team specialist and stoner spencer reid, whenever this theater turns into a riot and or mass shooting ill probably be safe" eddie murphy thinks to himself. the lights go down, an like almost immediately eddie murphy gulps in fears.

the first few previews were really fuckin stupid. nothing really interesting, a trailer for a new marvel movie comes on and not really anybody even cares cause of how jacked they are for shrek 5. theirs like 3 new kevin heart movies coming out tho which tugs and jerks paul blarts heartstrings b/c he knows kevin hart is probably having some kind of exotic sexual intervourse with his wife. paul blart pretty much only ever tried missionary and was a good christian white man in the bedroom. *sighs* "i always had to be the nice guy, the good guy, and now im getting cuckolded by one of the biggest comedians and drugs dealers that there ever was, some luck dude" paul blart thinks to himself. finally the dreamworks intro comes on and the whole audience like shits themselfs in applause. shrek 5 is descendin upon the masses. suddenly it says like "DIRECTED BY CHRISTOFER NOLANS" across the screen... im not sure if u guys are like understanding who that is, so let me explain: christian nolan is a director most known for making really fucking stupid shitty gloomy movies that are so bad people like see then and go like holy shit and shoot up the movie theater after realizing they wasted money on a ticket. it happened like twice now with his batman movies that LITERALLY cost us heath ledgers life, and now again with that other movie he made called trainwreck that is a trainwreck. basicaly if you wanna fuck up a franchise an turn it into some kind of piss poor sad story just call christian bale up an BOOM goodbye franchise. now i just wanna just describe what happens during the movie. anyways:

the camera pans down like from starting in the clouds to shreks bedroom window. the room looks like shit, amnd shrek is in boxers sleeping with liquor bottles and shit scattered all over the cuts to a picture of shrek and fiona and the kids in a frame picture, and the glass is shattered to shit, and has blood on the frame from where shrek punched it for some reason. shrek stirs himself awake, an like pulls out a cigarett from a pack on the table, lights it up, and takes a long drag. "FUCK!" he said. shakes his head and spits out a loogie that is outrageously toxic and he actually gags a few time his house is grey and even tho its daytime the overcast sky makes it look shitty. he has pissed himself in the night, and the worst part is he does not even care. he just walks out of the house. and saunters down the shittiest street u ever seen.

"SHREK! STOP RIGHT THERE BRO ITS ME DONKEY AND I HAVE GOOD NEW" and the donkey run right over and start following him. "ugh what kind ooh good news do ye have DANKEY?" shrek say. donkey responds "well shrek i sold of my stable and used all the money to invest in to an amazing multi level marketing company as a distrubtor, its a company called ItWorks and its basically like sellin energy drinks, body wrap, and fat fighter vitamins not apparoved by the FDA or medical field to sell to post pregnant woman to allegedly help them get into shape and its hugely popular. some people make pretty good money and if u can sign up distributors into your downline you make amazing money doing virtually nothing. i started a tumblr twitter and facebook and even register a website to promote my business. it only cost me 200$ to get started, and its gonna change my life shrek! this is are big chance to get out of this horrible rut that we have been stuck in" donkey says. shrek looks at donkey for like 2 minutes and then rolls his eyes an is like "aye u are a fuckin dumb one aintcha doinkey, u just bought into a pyramid scheme that is probably not going to be the talk o' de town much longa! ur days are over dankey u bankrupted urself over a scheme! im an oger and even aye know thayt!" donkey is like realized very quickly that he made a horrible mistake. "FUCK!" says donkey. "hahahahha you are such a dumb fuckin dankey! see u round bitch" shrek says as he saunters off.

as shrek gets to his destination we see that it is a liquore store and that princess fiona is out front of it with a cigarette an a scowl. "what the fuck do u want you god damn bum" fiona say to shrek. shrek sighs and is like "welll considering ur my wife i would very much enjoy making love to you and not being so distance from eachother what happened to are marriage" fiona sighs, "listen shrek, i know the job market has sucked cock since the fourth movie an since you saved the world there hasnt been any work for you in this fantasy land, but that doesnt pay the bills, you know how much it costs for me to sleep with a john in the dumpster out back, and just because ur my husband dont mean you get it for free." at this point the audience gasp, because like they just found out fiona is a liquor store prostitute which is a pretty dark turn for the shrek series to take, even for christofer nolan. "HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO SHREK SINCE SHREK 4" screams a random person in the theatre, "shit it is about to begin, i need to brace myself and hope paul blart can help me keep this theatre calmed down for the duration of the film" dr. spencer reid thinks to himself...

"Sit your ass down buddy, my sons trying to enjoy this film and you are interrupting it, dont make me come over there and bop you in the beak" paul blart shouts at the man. The man is like scowling and shaking his head and sweating in a powerful rage. paul blart did his best to stare him down an scare him off but this guy was over the limit with anger. "yeah, you and what fucking army you fatboy" says the man as he pulls out a revolver. "holny shit this is bad, were only like 5 to 25 minutes into the movie an we already have are first movie theater shooter" thinks spencer reid to himself. paul blart is scared as fuck at this point because he doesnt carry guns on him. The guy with the gun laughs "hahaha! I am gonna be famous for this! see you all in hell and closes his eyes and is about to shoot paul blart! BANG! he fires the gun and it enters paul blarts stomach and goes in one side and out the other. its a pretty hardcore wound, but paul blart IS NOT fatally injured. *BANG-BANG-BANG* immediately follows the shot, it is spencer reid unloading an armor piercing AR-15 directly into the shooter, his head completely explodes. the whole theater applauds cause they are fucking pumped to keep watchin shrek 5 uninterrupted. Spencer Reid pulls out a megaphone, an chuckles like tst ands says"HEY CHACHI! CLEAN UP IN THEATER 3, we got a shrek movie to watch" and he sits back down. Paul Blart looks at his son than at spencer reid smirks and nods approvingly "hell yeah man, way to keep the shrek 5 going" and spencer reid is like "hell yeah no problem paul blart, you took that gun shot like a man, rub some dirt on it buddy" and paul blart is like "heh, good one chief but plrease, be quiet dumbass im tryin to watch shrek 5 with my son", and they both fist bump as the movie ushers drag the corpse out of the theater.

it may seem like a crisis aversion that only paul blart took a minor gun shot wound in this attack, but the theater is totally full up and the movie is not even that far along so theres gonna be plenty more probably, because shrek 5 so far really fuckin sucks. only times will tell what lies ahead for are heroes in chapter 4.


End file.
